It’s Halloween. And, on Halloween we are all entitled to do frightening shit. Like write listicles.
I will admit when it comes to the following list, I am just as much a part of the cure as I am a part of the disease. (Sing it, Coldplay!) I’m guilty of having posted about several of these things, but now I see it as my God-given responsibility to make fun of those very things I once wrote about in 140 characters or less. Whether it’s a status update, a tweet or one of your beloved Instagram pics, here are 13 things nobody really gives a fuck about when you post them on social media.
Your breakfast, lunch or dinner
It still baffles me that people are posting pictures of food. Ok. You went to a restaurant. The food was scrumptious. I’ve been hitting up restaurants since my days of eating at Friendly’s when I was four; it’s not that serious. Eat the food. Poop it out. I love you and goodnight.
Your significant other
So my disclaimer here is that some public displays of baeness in moderation are fine. They’re actually cute. The issue is that how people define “moderation” varies widely among the human species. For me, moderation is maybe once a week. And, it helps if the public display of baeness is something funny or sarcastic. Missives about how you’re so in love should really be reserved for your diary or some other entity to which the rest of us don’t have to be subjected.
Turn on Adele. Sing it out. Cry it out. Sweat it out. Write it out. Just don’t tweet it out.
Your flawless credit score
I really hate any conversation about finances, but that hatred increases tenfold when the conversation takes place on social media. Unless you’re my man or my mama, I’m not sharing my credit score. The only thing you need to know about my money is that I need more of it all the fucking time.
Your sex life
Congratulations. You joined the club. You’re getting laid. It’s a beautiful thing. We know. But, if you want to tweet about it in detail…instant unfollow.
I never understood this. When I’m hung over, I can’t even see straight enough to look at my phone without wanting to puke. If you can tweet, I am going to make an executive decision that you’re not that hung over.
Your cryptic reference to anything that you won’t fully explain (I just did this last week)
“Man, things couldn’t get any worse.” Does this mean I should worry or does this just mean you accidentally slept through Scandal? Like how bad are we talking? Are you going to tell me? No? Then get off Facebook!
Your trip to Whole Foods
What is it about Whole Foods that makes people want to tweet their way through grocery shopping? In the past two days, I’ve seen two tweets about Whole Foods trips. Take that shit off social media while the rest of us shop at Food Lion.
Another one of those common life occurrences that people can’t help but announce to the Internet. Pop some Advil, grab your heat pack thing, eat all the food in the house and hate the world quietly for the next few days.
Your rare illness, bug bite or trip to the emergency room
Not too long ago, my oldest niece put up an Instagram photo while she was at the emergency room. Pretty sure the bland walls of the ER aren’t the best backdrop for your selfie. Just saying. Also, I really hate when people post pictures of weird shit on their skin. Hit up Web MD and get that checked out. Instagram isn’t going to help you.
Your job interview
Tell me when you get the job. Then I can send the little confetti emojis.
All your updates are making me want to do is plop in front of the television, inhale of bag of salt and vinegar chips and pray that my metabolism never abates.
Your night out
One photo? Cool. Ten photos? Punch yourself in the eye. Immediately. I will come to your residence right now and burn your freakum dress in a raging fire if you post more than two photos (max) of your night out.
Aren’t you proud of me? I didn’t even say kids.
Happy Halloween, fools.