[A note for listeners: today’s installment is NSFW.]
Collect the majority of the men I’ve dated. Summon them to a room. Bring me in. Close the door. Witness my heart as it flutters, twists, turns, and sinks.
Because when, truly, are we ever over the lovers who at one point or another set us free?
I only heal because of time, disruption, willful ignorance and the next person who comes along to set me free once more.
The essay you’re about to listen to was penned more than four years ago, but its themes still ring true, albeit in the tone of different people. Different places. Different points in my lifelong love story. Here’s the second installment of Stories That Vibrate, “Not Quite Over You.”
Revisiting your old writing is less like looking in the rearview mirror and more like finding your way back home. Your first home. The place you grew up in. The space and land and grass and fences and hardwood floors that all remind you of a distinct era in time. You are not that writer anymore. Your sentences are cleaner; your voice hums with intention. You are not that woman anymore. Your life has more shape; your purpose now has testimonies behind it. You are not that human being anymore. You are a product of the way time heals old wounds and gives way to new evolution.
But, that is still your home.
Two years ago, I put this thing out into the Universe called a book. And at the time, it was my life’s work. Now, there are days when I’ll nonchalantly thumb through it and flinch at the blind audacity and ignorance of some of the things I put in ink. But, it’s still home. Those are still my stories. There are still traces of that woman I used to be hidden in my crevices. Hell, there are still parts of that woman taking up space at my core.
Stories That Vibrate is a limited edition series that revives five of my favorite essays from Twenties Unscripted: A Journey of Womanhood, Writing, and Relativity through audio. Over the next few weeks, I’ll share these on the blog. A huge thanks to my creative partner-in-crime Austin Weatherington (who produced the audio for last year’s Love Me Well project) for producing this series, and affirming this vision long before I even started recording.
It’s been a hell of a year, and I haven’t been able to visit this Internet home as much as I would like. But, I hope you’re still vibing with me and I hope you enjoy this first installment of Stories That Vibrate. Here’s “Every Time I Want to Text You.”
If you’d like to read the full essay, head over to purchase your copy of the book.