I knew the only way I’d ever take online dating seriously were if I had a chance to write about it.
Ok, that’s a lie. I’m never going to take online dating seriously.
But, I knew the only way I would devote a lick of energy to scrolling and clicking in hopes of finding the future Mr. Tyece Wilkins was if I had a chance to document my observations.
About two weeks ago, I joined Coffee Meets Bagel, an app I initially heard about last year when hanging out with some old college friends. I didn’t pay it much attention at the time; I was more engrossed with the advice I was getting from one of the other guys there who had accompanied his girlfriend to this reunion. He basically deemed himself the guru when it came to finding and sustaining a relationship.
He broke up with his girlfriend two months later, so there goes all of his subjective and slightly sexist knowledge straight out the window.
Anyway, I revisited Coffee Meets Bagel this year when my sister (online dating extraordinaire who is now going to kill me for calling her the online dating extraordinaire) mentioned it. And, because I started getting way too bored and nutty in February, I downloaded the app. If you are like me and are illiterate when it comes to the vocabulary of online dating, let me explain. Coffee Meets Bagel sends you a match (or as they like to call it, bagel) daily. You get to like them or pass them. There are a bunch of other things you can do like obtain more bagels or send bagels to other people (my sister has sent me three, all of whom were WAY MORE ATTRACTIVE than the bagels that the fucked up system was giving me), but I don’t really know or care about how to use that functionality.
The first step in online dating is that you have to be a believer. You have to truly, honestly, wholeheartedly believe that you could meet someone and form a lasting and authentic connection.
I am not really a believer. At least not for myself. I definitely don’t think eHarmony is shitting us when they blast those commercials about people finding their soul mates online. But, as much as I live large fractions of my life online, I am really not into dating that way. In fact, I would rather my friends just tell their single, attractive, heterosexual guy friends to read my blog and then we can all go from there. Narcissistic? Maybe. But, my blog is really my selling point. I have used it as a barometer on a lot of dates; I went on a date last year where a guy told me all blogs are the same and I immediately sent him to the guillotine. (In actuality I finished 1.5 margaritas with him and gave him a hug). But, really, if you’re into girls who can string sentences together and spew their feelings and observations all over the place? Yes, please, sign me up.
I also have a really hard time being intentional about my dating life. I am pretty much a lazy bum when it comes to meeting new men and expelling energy on them, which is the opposite of how I tackle everything else in life. Maybe that’s the issue, that I am deliberate about finding happiness and success in other arenas, but when it comes to dating, I just want someone great to appear from thin air.
Anyway, back to Coffee Meets Bagel. In two weeks, I have not had one match. NOT ONE. In order to get a match, I have to like them and they have to like me. Yesterday, the app even threw me a bagel (or a bone?) and said, “The ball is in your court. Your bagel LIKEs you.” Then that bagel turned out to look like the lovechild of Baby and Lil Wayne.
There was also the guy who called himself a monophobiac which Google has confirmed is not a real word. However, monophobia is in fact a word and it means the fear of being alone. I guess Mr. Monophobiac did clear that up in his profile by saying, “I hate being by myself.”
Well, I love being by myself and actually cherish that moment when the door shuts behind any house guest who has inhabited my space for more than an hour. So, all I could offer this guy is a therapist and a dictionary. Pass.
Finally, there was the guy who seemed right up my alley, except that fool didn’t like me back. In his profile, he called himself “playful and reflective, occasionally artsy and nerdy” and said he likes when his date “shares her thoughts and feelings, and is a great conversationalist.” WHERE IN THE WORLD IS THIS MAN AND WHY HAVEN’T WE MET?
I can’t denigrate other people’s profiles without letting you all know about mine. Although I am not going to reveal anything that you all don’t already know. I said I like writing, poetry, and face-to-face conversations more than texts. Wow, shocker. I also said I like a good laugh and people who don’t take themselves too seriously. I I like when my date asks questions, tells stories, makes me laugh and tries but doesn’t try too hard.
But, really, the crown jewels of any online dating profile are the photos. See Exhibit A:
I’m not sure how long I’ll stay on Coffee Meets Bagel, but I venture to guess it won’t be much longer. Will I find a potential male suitor? Will men cease to stop looking like inbreds? And, the real question…next stop, Tinder?