Wildflowers Unscripted Writing Challenge Day 25: My Vices
So I realize I have done an abysmal job of keeping up with the very writing challenge to which my blog’s name is attached. I suspected that would happen. But, I didn’t want the month to end without me at least trying one more time. Plus today’s topic fits pretty perfectly with where my mind is. So, there’s that.
“I love how you’re already planning another event before the first one is even done. Lmao.”
That’s what my best friend said today on Gchat when I explained that I had secured a venue for an upcoming DC Bloggers Brunch. (Get excited, DC people.) I’m three days away from what is the largest event I’ve done on behalf of Twenties Unscripted. And, what do I decide to do? Start planning another event.
In my mind, Saturday is done. At least all of the important details. Now we just have to get there and not royally screw up the entire thing. In my mind, I have done everything I had to do and now I just have to get there and see it come together. So, naturally, it’s time to start thinking about what is next.
Or is it?
My number one vice is that I am one very impatient being. It is that very vice that has me itching to get to the next event before I have even seen the fruits of my labor for this one pay off. In theory, I should be focused on what I’m performing on Saturday night and how much Chardonnay I’m going to consume after the night is over. In actuality, I’m now preoccupied with the next event.
My impatience has stung my relationships, punched my self-esteem and forced me to abandon shopping carts in stores where lines are too long. My impatience has caused me to snap at people and doubt myself when I don’t see something immediately pay off.
I want it all and I want it right now. I have always been that way. I want the world and everything that comes with it in sixty seconds or less. But, let me explain. Because, I think there are a lot of people who want the world and don’t want to work for it. You’ve read my stuff. You know I have less than an iota of respect for people who don’t work hard. So, I want to do the work. But, I’m still a product of the microwave generation where I think the ROI is supposed to be this immediate present that falls into my lap after I’ve done the work. And, life has this way of reminding me often that it does not just happen like that.
More often than I let on to others, I have giant and bone-crushing doubts about what I’m doing with this blog. Am I doing the right thing and why am I even doing any of it? What is the ultimate payoff? Those are the questions that tango around my brain and those are the questions I poured out to my best friend earlier today.
“If you enjoy what you’re doing right now, then it’s for the right reason,” she said as I spilled out my writer woes.
She’s right. Sometimes I forget that the reward of things isn’t always in the form of accolades or money or bylines. Sometimes, the reward of things is the very comfortable and content feeling I get from coming home every night and spilling out my thoughts. Sometimes the reward is knowing I have a space to always fall back on, whether my day is amazing or horrendous. Sometimes the reward is the very thing you have, not what you ever expect to yield from it.
I still want the world. I want the stars and the moon and the sky. There is a lot I want to do in this life. Maybe that’s why I’m impatient because I always know there is more I could accomplish, more I could see, more I could conquer. But, there isn’t a point in having the world if you can’t quiet your mind long enough to enjoy it.