Dimensions of Black Womanhood: The Thinker

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Photo credit: @jazzthenoise

By T.S. Fitzgerald

What could possibly be wrong with me?

Why don’t they want me?

Is it my personality? Is it my hair? Is it just me?

My thoughts have consumed me as of late in my recent job search. As we ALL know, being in the job market is daunting. The numerous phone and in-person interviews, the rounds of emails, and reference checks can be exhilarating but also intimidating. My job search has netted me three rejections in the final round sending my mind into a whirlwind.

These thoughts have been the death of me for the past three months. The planner in me has a time schedule for EVERYTHING, and three rejections were NOT in the plan. Since I spend so much time in my own thoughts, I have pushed myself into a place that I can no longer take. I have pushed myself to be so fed up I have taken a break. A break from the job sites and a break from applying, but my thoughts on it have not.

I think very logically and rationally. That’s what my parents taught me, to look at each path life takes me on as rationally and with the least bit of emotion humanly possible. But I am wrought with emotion (not much, but emotion nonetheless). That’s what makes my logical thoughts my own. It’s what makes me human, not Garnett.

Photo credit: @jazzthenoise
Photo credit: @jazzthenoise

But being a thinker has its lows. Overthinking can be the devil. You can think yourself into a dark space because the only logical explanation you can come up with is actually your greatest fear. And you hope and you pray, and you pray and you hope that you must be wrong. Sometimes you are, but most of the time you are right.

I take time out to evaluate the situations I find myself in, the conversations I have had with friends and associates. It actually takes me a little longer to think through an entire situation because I like to examine all aspects. My favorite line in conflict may be, “I just need time to process.” Because I know if I personally go off of emotion instead of actually thinking it through, feelings would be hurt and damage will incur that can never be repaired. So, I often times find myself regretting that I did not say enough; I was trying to be too logical; or the worst, I waited too long and said nothing.

Because I think so much, I find myself beating myself up constantly, feeling like a failure sometimes because I have set the bar so high, maybe even unrealistically high, for myself. I do not think it’s wrong to set high expectations of yourself; it pushes you to be the best you. However, when your expectations are dependent on other factors outside of yourself, I am learning you must cut yourself some slack.

I have yet to figure out the best way to not be so hard on myself. Living alone and spending a lot of time in my thoughts do not help by any means. But I am working on this mind of mine, constantly. I’m constantly trying to find a way to escape the bad thoughts and focus on the good. Keeping the good at the forefront is how I maintain my sanity, as I hope we all try to maintain.

T. S. is an event planner by trade and a communicator at heart. She spends her days on FaceTime and entertaining her friends with culinary and alcoholic creations. You can kinda get to know her on Twitter, but her blog is probably better. 

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