“Remember your why.”
That’s the advice Erica gave last Saturday at the end of our workshop. I hummed in agreement. Her words affirmed every bit of what I had written only three days before the conference in the notes section of my iPhone. It was a message I jotted down to soothe my own spirit in the middle of another unexpected blogging break. This is that message.
Sometimes it’s easy to forget why you started. It’s really easy, so easy in fact that you don’t usually remember until God taps you on the shoulder. Or, in this case, shakes you. You don’t usually remember until the Universe sends a signal you have been conveniently ignoring.
Someone told me that success is a very intoxicating thing. I’m kind of a fiend. I get some and I haven’t even taken the full hit before I’m looking for my next fix. It’s an exhausting way to live. Sometimes the highs don’t leave you floating; they leave you reeling. I’m ready to go to rehab.
I’ve done a lot over the past three years. I have found success, or rather, it has found me. I have made mistakes. I have royally fucked shit up. I have met amazing people. I have done things I never thought I would get a chance to do. I have overcome a lot of doubt and slain a lot of my demons. But, there are times when I have gotten so caught up in the relentlessness of building a brand that I forgot about the beauty of just living a life. And, when I looked at my Twenties Unscripted logo not too long ago and felt a pang of resentment shoot through my body, I knew I had completely forgotten just why I started.
Sometimes I want to strip away everything and go back to just me, my couch and some words I rattled off to the 20 people who would read them. Sometimes I want to disconnect from the responsibility of a platform, the self-inflicted pressure of success and the vacillation between extreme highs and heartbreaking lows. Sometimes I just want to fucking write.
Because that is why I started. I started because I had just endured the hardest and ugliest year of my life and I needed something that was mine. Just mine. So much had been yanked away from me and I craved something that was all mine.
Twenties Unscripted is all mine.
So today, I’m remembering why I started. This blog is, as my friend so accurately put it, my heart outside of my body. It is my safe haven, my healing ground and my manna. If it ever stops being that, I don’t want it. And if it never became anything more than that, I do not care. I created this place as my pathway out of hell. It’s a personal hell I’m still climbing out of every day.
I still need this. I still crave this. I still want this. I still believe in this.
I can’t forget why I started.