Which Woman Are You?

bio-pictureGuest post by Eboni of Keep Calm and Keep Yourself

I was scrolling through my Instagram timeline and found an interesting quote: “Other women are not my competition, I stand with them not against them.” It was a great quote and, of course, had thousands of likes. But, it really got me thinking. Is this quote really something that we as women abide by, or do we just “pretend” that we are all equally proud of one another, standing together holding hands singing Kumbaya? Come on now, you know that’s ridiculous.

If we as women are not “competing” then why is it that we tend to not go out to the club with girls who are “uglier then us,” thinking that men will steer clear? But on the other hand, we won’t go out with girls prettier than us because we think they will steal all the attention. Sometimes we even purposely go out with girls we think are ugly just to feel prettier. Sadly, this competitive nature gets even more pathetic.

Ever feel better about your life just by talking about another woman whose life is currently in shambles?  Ever compared your Facebook pictures to another woman’s – feeling skinny just because your high school girlfriend gained some weight? What about when you ask your friends what they are wearing out, just so you’re not outdone by their outfits? The list goes on and on.

The saddest part of this whole topic is that it’s not just young women who do this to one another – it’s every woman. Women, no matter what age, continue to judge, degrade and insult one another just to feel better about themselves.

My mother’s best friend, who is almost 60 and a very large woman, told my mom that sometimes her friends won’t eat out in public with her – simply because people tend to stare at her or give her bad service at restaurants. She then explained that she’s felt that way for years and that it still hurts her feelings.

The truth of the matter is that we do compete with other women. We talk about each other and get jealous of one another – whether it’s our best friend, a celebrity or the girl on the dance floor at the club. We roll our eyes when the girl with the big booty gets the most attention and whisper to our friends about the pretty girl on campus who “supposedly” slept with multiple football players – because this girl can’t just be a pretty girl that a lot of guys are attracted to – she’s got to be a hoe.

If we as women would stop trying to constantly one-up each other, we could do some amazing things within our society. We can put an end to the light skin vs. dark skin controversy and start really supporting one another, instead of hating on each other’s success behind closed doors. We as black women can stop looking disgusted when we see a white woman with one of “our black men” because frankly, that’s her man and there’s nothing we can say or do about it. Instead of being jealous about interracial dating and wishing our black men would come on home, we should just accept it and start dating other races. Everyone else has embraced interracial dating – why can’t we?

womanI'mcalledtobeSupporting other women is not a true desire but it’s a duty. It’s something we must do even when we don’t want to. Compare it to loving everyone and turning the other cheek. We go to church every Sunday and say we follow these spiritual principles but the minute we are disrespected, we are ready to fight and turn into completely different people. “Ugh, I hate that hoe other there.”

Which type of woman are you – a lover or a hater? Because, you can’t be both.

We should start complimenting each other, like Tyece from “Twenties Unscripted” said in her  post “Why Women Need to Look Out For Other Women.” Force yourself to go up to the girl with the big booty and compliment her on her outfit. Walk up to the pretty girl that you once called a hoe and tell her she’s got a beautiful smile. Sit down and eat with any woman, no matter what she looks like. Who cares if people stare? Support your best friend in every way – even if she’s getting married and your fiancé left you for another woman. It sometimes hurts to love and abstain from jealousy, but the more you make it a habit the easier it will be.

The most important thing to understand is that only weak-minded, unstable and insecure women hate on other women. We are all fighting the same fight. We have to know who we are and the type of women we are called to be. We have to stop worrying about other women and start worrying about the only woman we can control – ourselves.

About Keep Calm and Keep Yourself 

Keep Calm and Keep Yourself is a women’s wellness website and blog that helps women build healthy relationships and offers products that make women feel a little more beautiful. The blog explores popular relationship and dating topics and the online store provides women with revolutionary cosmetic products that improve the natural body’s look and feel.

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The Kim and Kanye Nuptials: Cause Jealousy Is Just Love And Hate At The Same Time

I typically refrain from writing about pop culture because this is a personal blog, and very rarely does my personal life intersect with popular culture in a way that compels me to write. However, I believe in writing about what is top of mind and today, for better or worse, the Kimye wedding inundated my brain.

If you are one of those people rolling your eyes because I’m giving more ammo to the SEO power of Kim and Ye, sorry that I’m not sorry. Perhaps I will be less vapid and more thought-provoking tomorrow. Perhaps I won’t.

I didn’t realize Kim Kardashian and Kanye West tied the knot on Saturday (maybe I’ve been living under an entertainment rock) until I caught a glimpse of E! News as they recapped that Rob Kardashian did not attend the ceremony. After that, I read articles here and there about the wedding. And, like many others, I marveled at the newly-released photos of Kim’s gown. But, I stood in even more awe of the “Just Married” motorcycle jackets the couple donned post-ceremony.

While bingeing on all of this entertainment junk food, I secretly hated myself, wondering why I cared even a little bit about these two people. There was a time not too long ago when I stopped watching anything on E! because I was just plain tired of The Kardashian Kingdom. Yet, in the past few days, I’ve been a moth to the Kimye flame.

As she often times does, Jessica Schiffer can take credit for the change in my mindset. I read her piece, “The Wedding of Our Time: Another Love Letter To Kimye” on Saturday and it struck a chord. Schiffer writes:

But Kanye West—he of inappropriately timed comments, a give-no-fucks-ever attitude, and a talent for general existence that is unmatched in pop culture—settling down? That would be worthy of our eyeballs in and of itself, but it’s even more so because he is marrying the Kim of all Kims—another figure who produces a strong reaction in the general public, with society’s collective insecurities and emotions constantly projected onto her innocent and wildly successful figure. It often seems that people rally against her simply because she bucked the system better than the rest of us.

“She bucked the system better than the rest of us.” Holy shit. She’s right.

I think it’s very easy, almost too easy, to turn our noises up at Kim Kardashian and castigate her for not following a traditional, American Dream, route to success. It’s also easy to do the same when it pertains to her spouse, particularly when we couple his success with his general assholery. But, it’s also our responsibility to look at ourselves and wonder what’s the true source of our disdain for these two people who have undoubtedly caused a cosmic shift in 21st century entertainment. Maybe we are simply annoyed by Kim’s voice. Maybe our skin crawls every time Kanye cuts someone off while they’re mid-sentence. But, something tells me it’s more than that.

Jealousy and resentment are emotions born out of a one-dimensional view of someone’s life, success or circumstances. Our views of Kim and Kanye are one-dimensional, our perceptions formed based on the sliver of details we know thanks to television episodes or radio interviews. That one-dimensional view makes it easy to forget that they are both as human, as flawed, as complex as the rest of us. That one-dimensional view makes it easy to forget that these two people fight and love and cry and hurt like the rest of us. That one-dimensional view makes it easy to be so much less forgiving of these two than we would be of ourselves. That one-dimensional view can make us really small beings if we let it.

It is very easy to both hate and love that which you do not truly know.  Jealousy is a snake of an emotion, often times inhabiting its possessor very quietly and then shooting out to spit venom into someone else when least expected. But, it’s also a natural response when we want something that we can’t have or we fall into the abyss of comparing ourselves to others. It’s easy to grab jealousy instead of trying to change ourselves. It’s easy to snatch jealousy instead of playing the cards we were dealt and not coveting the ones we were not. It’s easy to seize jealousy instead of accepting that Kim’s ass will always defy gravity, Kanye’s irreverence will always make headlines and these two people may very well live happily ever after.