The Male Think Tank: Has Tinder Ruined Dating? Pt. 2

Check out part 1 of this post here.

Have you ever met anyone with long-term potential from Tinder?

 

Guy 8: No. I probably don’t take most of the women seriously because I feel like they don’t take the guys seriously either.

Guy 9: No. I personally have never used the app. My knowledge of Tinder leads me to believe that it is very superficial at best. I’m probably not going to spend much time reading a bio, but tend to focus on what someone appears to look like. Swipe left or swipe right. Hopefully we hook-up. The app does not provide a platform that enables users looking for substance much to anticipate or look forward to.

Guy 11: I’ve never used Tinder but I don’t see why you couldn’t find a potential partner using it. We’re primed to seek out visual cues of attractive traits in potential mates. There’s definitely some truth to the trope of love at first sight. But physical attractiveness is subjective and unpredictable. It’s a mingling of biology and history and you can’t be sure if your attraction towards someone is requited until you engage with them. There’s a lot of insecurity in dating / relationships and knowing that the other person has an innate attraction to you can build confidence and provide the freedom to be yourself. Tinder mitigates that initial anxiety by getting you past the superficial to the real work of determining compatibility.

Snip20150917_9

The million dollar question: has Tinder ruined dating? Why/why not? Is it still possible to form genuine connections? If so, how?

 

Guy 7: Tinder hasn’t ruined dating completely, but it removes two key components from the process: courtship and chivalry. The app enables a larger problem of male laziness and superficiality. A guy no longer has to even get off the couch to find a date. And his pre-requisites for a match are now based off geographic proximity and facial symmetry rather than personality and intellect. I feel like many single women activate Tinder accounts in an effort to keep with the trends and expand their opportunities. I don’t totally discredit the app because I do think true connections can occur and it helps people meet that otherwise might not have the chance. The sad part, however, is those real connections often have to wade through a sea of dick pics in order to happen.

Guy 8: I don’t think it’s ruined dating. I do know some people who are/have been in meaningful relationships because of dating apps (including Tinder). You just have to know what you’re getting yourself into. You can’t form a genuine/authentic connection through Tinder. The best you can do is break down SOME of the initial awkwardness before you meet up in person. From there, it’s just like going on a normal date. And once you’ve met up in person, you still have to hit it off to continue going on dates. Tinder just makes it easier to say “I like you, do you like me back?” or “you’re hot, I want to bang, shall we?” without the person knowing you’re asking. You can just swipe right and if they swipe right back you know they’re already into you. If they don’t, there’s no shame or embarrassment. It eliminates the fear of rejection. I do think dating apps have made people more picky. Not because something better is on a dating app but because the idea that there COULD be something better is in the back of your mind. So it hasn’t ruined dating but maybe ruined the likelihood to commit or be happy with what you have.

Guy 9: Tinder hasn’t ruined dating. It serves as a platform for those looking for something quick, easy an fun. Which I believe was and still is the intention. If substance and a long term relationship is something an individual seeks, Tinder would never serve as the appropriate medium for such. It’s a bit naive. You can’t turn water into wine. Forming genuine and authentic connections still take place. Once everyone decides to drop their guard a little, take a chance and step out of their norm, they might see potential in someone. We prohibit ourselves from enjoying these fleeting moments because of our pre-requisites and long list of requirements we attach to everything. How can something be genuine or authentic when in essence we are attempting to control and mold the situation almost from the very first time we interact with someone? Do something new, be a bit vulnerable and lose the laundry list of shit that truly doesn’t matter. That is the meat and potatoes of forming not just genuine and authentic but liberating.

Guy 11: No. If anyone has ruined dating it’s the immature guys referenced in the Vanity Fair article that aren’t ready for a serious relationship anyway. They remind me of the cast of Jersey Shore and I hope they aren’t representative of most Tinder users, for women’s sake. Although I’ve never used it and can only go by what I’ve read, Tinder sounds like a great tool for meeting people who are attracted to you. If you want to use it for hooking up, I’m sure it’s great for that too. But how can an app with the sole purpose of introducing two people who find each other attractive keep them from forming a genuine and authentic connection? It’s up to them to determine if there’s going to be a connection or not.

Tinder is going to make your life easier by casting a net to bring you in contact with people you might not otherwise, but it’s not going to form a lasting connection with someone for you. There’s not an app for that. I think many young people today struggle with the mentality that there is always something or someone better. We’ve grown up in an age of great technological advancement and we’re used to having the latest and greatest neatly pre-packaged for our

 

 

The Male Think Tank: Has Tinder Ruined Dating? Pt. 1

The Twenties Unscripted Male Think Tank is a select group of men (aka my friends) who anonymously provide their thoughts on select topics, specifically related to dating and relationships. The group has been on a bit of a hiatus, but the men have returned today to share their thoughts about everyone’s favorite subject…Tinder. Today’s post includes five of the guys responses. Check in tomorrow to hear from the rest of the guys.

The September issue of Vanity Fair includes an article entitled “Tinder and the Dawn of the Dating Apocalypse.” I finished the article all too convinced that when it comes to dating, my generation is doomed. But, having never actually used Tinder myself, I figured it was time to get The Male Think Tank involved. Has Tinder ruined dating? What’s the fastest any of these guys have hooked up with a girl after meeting her on Tinder? Is it still possible to form genuine and authentic connections in today’s world? The Male Think Tank sounds off on these questions and more in this month’s post.

Have you ever met anyone with long-term potential from Tinder?

Guy 1: No, but that’s because I didn’t use Tinder long enough to really meet people on it. Also, when I was using Tinder I wasn’t using it to find a long-term partner.

Guy 3: I personally have not. It’s not to say that those people don’t exist, it’s just that the ones on Tinder I match with are generally not as attractive as I’d like. It’s usually the ones you think to yourself “Well, I’d at least beat” that you match with. From there it’s a few bland messages, maybe a phone number, some dry texting then ghost. I’ve been on one date resulting from Tinder (she was actually attractive) and she ended up being crazy.

Guy 4: I haven’t met anyone through Tinder. Most of the instances where I get a match, it’s usually just a robot who wants me to click on a mysterious website link, and I always decline.

Guy 5: No, because I haven’t tried. I just don’t think the odds are favorable for finding the right type of woman on a site like that.

Guy 6: No, neither one of us were looking for long-term commitment, just the connection we had right there. We had an understanding, however, the vibe was there.

When online dating, what are some things you look for in a woman’s bio? What are some red flags?

Guy 1: What I look for: 1. She’s attractive 2. We don’t have mutual friends (it would suck to go on a date with each other, it suck, and then have to see her at some event with friends) 3. She’s not looking for a serious relationship Red flags: 1. She comes off crazy/erratic just based on her profile 2. She’s looking for a soulmate online.

Guy 3: I look for a clear understanding of the English language. I also look for subject-verb agreement, spelling, grammar, syntax and to see if you could possibly read above a third grade level. In all seriousness, I just look to see if you’re showing a persona or just being honest. Red flags include using the same vowel several times within 10-20 characters e.g “ii love miii”, talking about any exes negatively, or at all (let that hurt go). I’d also say that if you put some shit like “only looking for friends”…go the fuck outside and make friends. We’re here for a reason.

Less is more. People are more complex than a few words can say in a bio – so don’t sell yourself short. Include enough to get you to the next step, whatever that may be. If you’re looking for a relationship, you should say so. If you just want to hook up, you should be up front about that too.

Guy 4: I always fancy a good pun or quip in a woman’s bio. It lets me know that she has a good sense of humor. Anything alluding to her musical tastes can also act as a positive. When it comes to red flags, it’s all relative. Personally, I find that if she is in school, works a lot, or is really active with groups or stuff like that, it can be a flag. Not in the sense that women shouldn’t do stuff, because they can of course. I just know that I would be busy with what I got going on on my end, and maybe our schedules wouldn’t be able to line up right to spend time with each other on a consistent basis. I am not one to get in the way of anyone’s personal endeavors.

Guy 5: I would look for similar interests, but not generic “long walks on the beach” things. What a person chooses to do with their spare time says a lot about them. It would also be smart to pay attention to just how much detail someone freely puts out there for the public eye. In the age of social media, it seems few things are held sacred and private. A good woman usually plays things closer to the chest.

Guy 6: Location obviously, but that’s not a deal breaker though. I like to see if she’s open minded to certain things, or if she dismissive to anything aside from what she likes. Those things matter to me, I’m not don’t have standards, but if you require house/car/job, and I have a house, and job…working on the car…does she work with dude? Or she completely downing him. In all I just love open-minded women.

Snip20150916_7

 

The million dollar question: has Tinder ruined dating? Why/why not? Is it still possible to form genuine connections? If so, how?

Guy 1: I don’t think Tinder (or any online service) has ruined dating. I think it has created its own niche for people who want to find fuck buddies though. Personally, I don’t take online dating seriously (though others may) because I feel like profiles don’t do a person justice. I can’t know someone/whether I’ll like them just because we have similar interests that I read off of a page. This is why I’d be way more likely to sleep with someone from Tinder than take them seriously as a significant other.

I want the person who I start dating seriously and I to have a fun backstory about how we met. I don’t want have to tell my friends that “Yeah, I met my girlfriend on Tinder.” I think it’s possible to form a genuine connection with someone off of Tinder. Maybe it’s my pride, but I think there’s something to be said where you can go up to someone (before you know that they’re attracted to you) and build the connection from the ground up without having to read who they are from a webpage.

Guy 3: I have formed genuine connections over the length of my singlehood. Tinder hasn’t ruined anything. It’s a tool, nothing more. To say Tinder ruined dating would be like saying Twitter ruined all personal social interaction. It’s a tool.

Guy 4: I don’t believe Tinder will ruin a person’s dating experience, just as long as they don’t use Tinder as their only method of dating. In conjunction with a lot of activities, Tinder can be of great use. So if you use it, continue to do so, but still hit some speed dating events, go to a meet up, talk to somebody you find attractive in a club, even ask you friends if they have someone they can hook you up with. To me, genuine and authentic connections are still very much alive. But in this day and age where instant gratification and social ADHD run rampant, getting to those connections is an extremely difficult task. There isn’t a universal rule or tip I can give anyone to foster connections with others because everyone is different. I can say though, if you get to know yourself better and truly understand what resonates with you, you should try to lead everything you do with that connection. I feel like in doing that, the things that do strike you will be more noticeable and recognizable to you.

Guy 5: Believe it or not, I think Tinder might be helpful for the overall dating scene. The thots can stay online, and find all the hookups they want, which in turn makes it easier to find the serious daters. I do believe there is a place for online dating, and authentic, long-term connections can be formed from those interactions. Hell, I met my ex on Twitter. It just makes it a lot harder to find what you’re looking for, which is the opposite of what these sites are selling. It’s tough to fake a conversation for an extended period of time, and truly keep someone interested even though you’re not their type. Online, however, I can be who, or whatever I want to be. To me, that’s a scary proposition.

Guy 6: 1). No, it hasn’t ruined it. People ruin things. There are pros and cons, the same way there are pros and cons with meeting in person. Tinder expands your options and can cut the awkward phase if you’re a person who is hesitant or nervous to approach. For example, I’ve chatted with a woman for a week, we exchanged contacts and when we finally had our first date it wasn’t shaky. We felt like we were connected, the initial physical meet up was like “Whoa, this is really happening,” but overall the mental/verbal ice breaker was over…but I feel genuine connections can still be formed, rather it’s online or in person. The person you meet online would be the same one you met at the bar or grocery store; the only difference is they’re behind a screen, as we all are often times, you know? I believe it’s just all up to you, and your preference. 2). Con: catfish is real. So safety concerns are definitely something to take into consideration, however that’s why I advise meeting in public places…

Check in tomorrow to hear from the second half of the Male Think Tank.

Xoxo,
Tyece (and the men)

Recap: My 8 Favorite Moments From Mimosas and Men

The Male Think Tank + their main woman :)  Photo credit: Erica Nichole
The Male Think Tank + their main woman 🙂
Photo credit: Erica Nichole

When the idea to do an event called “Mimosas and Men: Brunch and Real Talk with the Male Think Tank” came to me at the end of February, I wasn’t sure the men would buy into it. I knew they liked writing anonymously for the site, but I assumed an event that would bring their faces and voices to the forefront wouldn’t necessarily hold as much appeal.

But, I was wrong. And I’m so glad I was.

On Sunday, April 19, five members from the Twenties Unscripted Male Think Tank (plus an honorary one) came together in NYC with 17 women for a no holds barred conversation about dating, relationships and sex. The afternoon was filled with honesty, laughs, some yells and a hell of a lot of fun. Here were some of my favorite moments, lessons and epiphanies from Mimosas and Men. And a huge thanks to my partner-in-crime Erica Nichole for capturing these hilarious moments on camera!

8. Never tell a group of women you would want to date someone for 7-10 months before making it official.

The first answer of the day that incited uproar was when Chris announced he wanted to date someone for 7-10 months before making it official. His reasoning? “I want to see the full spectrum of a person.” The women definitely didn’t agree, but it made for an interesting debate. (Most of the men agreed 2-3 months of dating before making it official is more of the norm.)

Clearly they were not here for it. At all.
Clearly they were not here for it. At all.

 

7. You can make more money than a man; just don’t emasculate him.

“A man needs to feel like a man,” Malcolm said during the “What if the woman is the breadwinner?” query. I have always had my own qualms with the “A man needs to feel like a man” theorem, but Malcolm did a great job explaining it. He said men want to feel like providers and it doesn’t bode well for them when you strip them of that feeling, whether they make more money than you or not.

6. Say what you want about cheating, but it all boils down a lack of respect.

The cheating conversation was another one that quickly catapulted into a full blown explosion, but Kevin brought everyone back down to Earth with a very simple statement: “It all boils down to a lack of respect.” Let the church say amen.

Ok, now they're here for it. Photo credit: Erica Nichole
Ok, now they’re here for it.
Photo credit: Erica Nichole

5. Can we stop referring to the number of sexual partners a person has had as “body count?”

Darius said it. I agree. This isn’t a massacre, people.

Darius offering his perspective. Photo credit: Erica Nichole
Darius offering his perspective.
Photo credit: Erica Nichole

4. Who keeps the door open when a man loses interest, yet still keeps you on the bench?

This discussion wasn’t as heated as some of the others, but it definitely forced me to consider who the onus is really on when men “keep the door open” with a woman they are only semi-interested in. (Ah, memories. Like the corners of my mind.) Some of the ladies wondered why men do that and block them from a chance at something with someone else, but Marc played devil’s advocate and made a valid point: maybe that’s just you blocking yourself from something better. It’s all about perspective and ownership. Who stays, who goes and what you choose to tolerate may actually be up to you.

3. Even if you had sex with his friend a decade ago, it’s a problem.

When we got to the sex round, somehow the infamous question surfaced: What if she smashed the homie? The majority of the men agreed that if a woman had sex with one of his close friends, she was immediately and undoubtedly off limits. “What if it was 14 years ago?” one of the ladies asked. For Osi, that didn’t matter. “That’s just always going to be in the back of my mind,” he said.

2. Invite Noélle to your next event.

See the exhibit below. Enough said.

Noelle letting the men know what's up. Photo credit: Erica Nichole
Noelle letting the men know what’s up.
Photo credit: Erica Nichole

1. I’m a lucky ass woman to have these women and men in my life.

Even though there were instances while I was moderating the panel that it felt like I was directing traffic (there was a moment where I asked everyone to calm the fuck down, in those exact words), I had an amazing time that afternoon. Looking around the room, I felt incredibly fortunate for the level of support I’ve received from my New York ladies. I always get such good vibes and energy when I have a chance to connect with them. Their voices, honesty and encouragement continue to help shape this brand. I also felt beyond grateful for each of the guys in the room. Each of the men, in some way, shape or form, have contributed to the success of Twenties Unscripted, and many of them have had a stake in my own life–imparting whatever wisdom they have, helping me learn about myself and navigate my dating life and listening to me vent a hell of a lot. It’s good to just have good people around you, male or female. Thank God for mimosas and thank God for men.

Stay tuned for Mimosas and Men Part 2, at some point later this year!

Xoxo,
Tyece

Event Announcement | Mimosas and Men: Brunch and Real Talk with the Male Think Tank

This has been in the works for awhile. It may be the most turned up one yet.

Come out for brunch and a chance to hear from half of the Male Think Tank about dating, relationships, sex and everything else you want to discuss.

Don’t miss out. Click here to register.

Can’t make it but still want to get involved? Submit your anonymous questions for the Male Think Tank here

Mimosas and Men event

The Male Think Tank Discusses Dating During The Holidays

male think tank holiday promoThe Twenties Unscripted Male Think Tank is a select group of men (aka my friends) who anonymously provide their thoughts on select topics once a month on the blog. They’ve been on a bit of a hiatus, but are back to discuss the ins and outs of dating during the holidays.

Each guy has a designated number to identify them in posts. 

Have you ever brought a significant other home for the holidays? How did it go?

Guy 3: I have brought a significant other home and it’s always went well. I know better than to bring just anybody to the interrogation facility known as “Momma’s Crib”.

Guy 4: Nah, unfortunately for them, nobody ever made it that far in the game.

Guy 7: I won’t bring a significant other to a family gathering, especially one at the holidays, unless they truly mean something special to me. A few years ago, I found that person. She joined me and my family for dinner this past Thanksgiving. It made for a great day… and she was invited back for the Christmas party!

Have you ever gone home with a significant other for the holidays? How did it go?

Guy 3: I have gone home with one significant other and it went well. As long as you keep your head on a swivel and stay humble, you should be fine.

Guy 4: Nah, fortunately for me, I never made it that far in the game.

Guy 7: I have not yet gone to my significant other’s for the holidays, however, I am looking forward to going in the future. They’re a fun bunch and I know they’ll have much better food than what I’ve eaten at any party ever hosted by my family (don’t tell my mom).

Do you prefer to spend New Year’s Eve with friends or your significant other? (Or both?)

Guy 2: I prefer to spend NYE with both my friends and my significant other. It’s probably the most festive holiday, so I’d want to spend with every all of my closest friends, which would include my significant other.

Guy 3: Honestly, I’d like to spend it with both. If your significant other meshes well with your group of friends (assuming they aren’t already mutual), then why wouldn’t you want both?

Guy 4: It’s always good to do both. All my loved ones are the reason I made it through the year, and I hope the all remain in my life through the new one. So I would always make the effort to be with both during the New Year’s Holiday.

Guy 7: In my humble opinion, New Year’s Eve blows. It’s so much stress for a 10-second letdown, oh, um, I mean countdown. Ideally, I’d like to be with a few close friends and my girlfriend, but it always seems to unfurl into a big, messy, drunken event where I start off each year sleeping on a cold, hard floor.

What’s your budget range for a significant other’s Christmas gift?

Guy 2: I generally cap my budget at around $100, if I decide to buy gifts. Often, my significant other and I do a “no gift” rule. It’s more important to spend time with each other during this time vs. exchanging gifts.

Guy 3: Depends on the quality of the cheeks.

Just kidding.

I’ve spent anywhere from $10 to $900 on a gift, it’s really about how much I want that particular person to have that particular item or experience. Cost doesn’t always dictate “wow factor” or appreciation. You have to give with your heart.

Guy 4: The budget range is as big as you want to make it. There can’t really be too flat of a number because I’m sure all women would want something different. I would definitely shop around for the best price on whatever it is though.

Guy 7: I don’t break the bank, but I won’t not buy something due to the price if I know it’s going to be a great gift.

Any holiday season dos and donts when it comes to dating?

Guy 3:  Do–get in the spirit, go to see the lights, have a party and invite your girlfriend, drink and throw snowballs at people’s houses. Don’t–think about it too much.

Guy 4: It really all depends on the state of the relationship by the time the holiday season comes around. The holiday season can prove to be the validating point of any relationship. If you’re deep in, might as well go all out. Gifts, time, all that. If it’s still in its early stages, you should probably take stuff a little slow. No matter what you do, the holiday season is a great time. Spend time with the ones you love and have a lot of fun while doing so. Doing that, I don’t think you can ever go wrong.

Guy 7: Don’t break-up with your significant other during the holidays. I’ve witnessed many that occured during the gap between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It’s just mean. If you know it’s going to end, at least have the decency to make peace through the holiday season. Start fresh in the new year if you must.

Happy Holidays from Tyece and the Male Think Tank!

holiday giveaway flyer

And, don’t forget, there’s still time to enter the Twenties Unscripted and The Ignorant Intellectual’s Holiday Giveaway for a chance to win a copy of “The Miseducation Of…”, a collection of essays and poems about race, gender, post-racialism and education. Click here to enter!