Don’t credit me for today’s blog post title. I saw it one day on Demetria Lucas’ ask.fm forum, jotted it down in the notes section of my phone and promised myself I would return to it for a future post.
Last year around this time, I was just starting to peek my head above the murky waters of a halfass dating situation. By halfass, I mean I liked him way more than he liked me and by dating I mean we Skyped a lot. You know, your usual twentysomething ambiguous and thus, torturous, bullshit.
At the time, it was the perfect definition of settling for part of someone because I couldn’t have the whole person. For a brief moment in history, I felt like it was better to cling on to a fragment of someone’s attention than to walk away without receiving all of it. Eventually, ashes, ashes, we all fell down and that brings us to present day.
I like to consider myself an all or nothing person. So, it is not exactly with pride that I say I have found myself in many situationships where I settled for only part of someone because, for many different reasons, I could not have the whole. Fortunately, because of my overwhelming all-or-nothing personality, I usually come to my senses and realize that having nothing is better than having just a piece. It doesn’t always seem like that at first. Until you weigh the assurance of nothing against the uncertainty of just a part.
Relationship purgatory is a really strange and ugly place to find yourself. If you don’t want to be there, of course. There are definitely times in life when you seek out certain people for certain things. And, that time was called college. (Just kidding.) But, there are also other times when you are inadvertently pushed into relationship purgatory, a lukewarm plateau teeming with mixed signals and overanalytical musings.You clutch every interaction, every text message, every word until you can add them all up into the sum of something that seems meaningful. You’re always searching for signs that someone likes you, respects you, wants you the exact same way that you like and respect and want them. To your dismay, the equation never seems to quite add up.
If you want just a part of someone, a fraction of their attention and a bit of their love, then that’s a decision you are beyond entitled to make. But, what’s heartwrenching is when you accept that from someone and in turn, you give your whole. Your whole heart. Your whole being. Your whole self. We all do it. We’ve all done it. Hell, we will all probably do it again. But, giving your whole self to someone who only wants to give 3% is an injustice that will ultimately spill on you. Because we are human. We crave interconnectedness. We want to see the safe havens other people offer and lay our burdens down right there.
I don’t want part. I want the whole. The entire fucking whole. I want the stories and the passion and the scars. I want the lust and the love and yes, the attention. I want someone to have my back the way I have theirs. I want someone to hold my dreams close and hold my secrets closer. I want someone to give of themselves fully the way I believe in giving of myself to others. The way I believe in giving of myself to everything in this world that I do. Every relationship I take on, every friendship I value, every goal I chase after. I do not want part. I want the whole.